People pleasing involves putting other people’s needs, desires, and opinions above your own. This may look like agreeing with others even when you have a different opinion, constantly volunteering for things, or excessively apologizing.
While it’s okay to put others' needs before yours at times, if you feel you don't have a choice there may be a problem. Checking in with yourself to see your motivations can help you determine if you struggle with people pleasing.
Recognizing that you are a people pleaser and wanting to change are important first steps, but it can be hard to show up differently. Many people are unsure of what they think and feel, so they just go along with others. Some people know what they want but have not learned to say "No" without feeling guilty.
Let's look at some things that will help you break the people-pleasing cycle.
Know Thyself
To break out of people-pleasing patterns, it is important to know yourself. Are you trying to avoid conflict, win love, or gain acceptance? People-pleasing tendencies may make others happy for a while, but they will not help you build authentic relationships. Deep relationships involve knowing the other person's true thoughts and feelings.
Figuring out what you want is crucial to stop being compelled to please others. It can be as small as thinking about what show you want to watch rather than just going with the flow. Develop the habit of checking in with yourself. At first, you don’t have to act on it, but over time you can come to believe that your desires matter.
Your body can help you notice feelings that may have been overlooked for too long. Is there tightness in your body from stress? Do you feel a sense of lightness when you are peaceful or happy? Recognize your thoughts and emotions without judgment; pay attention to their intensity. This valuable information can help you recognize things that matter to you.
Everyone will do this differently, but here are some ways to connect with your inner world...
- go for a relaxing walk.
- try meditation.
- read a book and contemplate your reaction.
- take some time to journal.
- go to a coffee shop by yourself (Kindred in West Chicago is my favorite).
- do a guided self-compassion meditation with Kristen Neff.
- practice box breathing (also known as Four Square breathing).
- use art as a tool for self-connection. (You don’t have to be an artist, even an adult coloring book can help with reflection.)
- experiment with the 5-4-3-2-1 grounding exercise.
- work with a therapist to get in touch with your internal world.
Communicate
When you recognize what you want in a situation, communicate it in a kind and clear manner. This can deepen the relationship because you are showing up in a more genuine way. However, these changes will not please everyone; some may fight to keep you in your please-pleaser role. Notice the response, and see what it tells you about the other person and your relationship. Don't let it stop you from...
- asking for what you need
- expressing your preference
- putting a boundary in place
- turning people down for things that do not align with your values
- saying "No" to things you can't or just do not want to do
Planning Your Response
When shedding your people pleasing tendencies, you must figure out how to say "No." Here are some techniques to get you started.
- Delay - It is okay to say, “I’ll need to think about that” or “I’ll have to check my calendar.” Then you can take some time to check in with yourself before responding. If they push you for an answer on the spot, tell them that if you have to decide now the answer will be "No."
- Soften - If an outright "No" feels too difficult, say “Maybe next time.” Or, consider offering to do an alternative activity. If asked to go to a movie you do not want to see, you could say you are not up for that but would enjoy hanging out at your house with them.
- Text - It is often easiest to express yourself through text. You have time to choose your words carefully and it provides distance if they try to pressure you to change your mind. However, it is important to remember that you do not have the benefit of body language and tone. Many people say that only 7% of our communication comes from the words we say, the rest comes from body language and tone. So, read it carefully to make sure the message comes across the way you intend it to.
Remember, you don’t need to justify your decision to others. A simple, “Thanks for thinking of me, but I won’t be available this time” is all that is needed. And, don't apologize for disappointing others with your boundaries, preferences, or opinions. Reserve your apologies for when you are really in the wrong.
Are you a people pleaser? If you aren’t sure, take Dr. Susan Newman’s “Do You Have a People-Pleasing Problem?” quiz.
Dr. Jamie