People-pleasing can take many forms, but key elements are putting other people’s needs, desires, and opinions above our own. You may feel like you have to agree with others, habitually volunteer, excessively apologize, or never ask for help.
According to therapist Erika Myers, when kindness to others involves “editing or altering words and behaviors for the sake of another person’s feelings or reactions,” it has crossed over into people-pleasing behavior.
It may seem benign, but this can be quite destructive. People-pleasing can make us live less authentically and fill our lives with other people's priorities. This is not good for us or our relationships with others.
Let’s evaluate the pitfalls of this practice so we can live our most authentic life.
Behind the Compulsion
It may be okay to put their people's needs before ours at times, but it is important to recognize why we are doing it. Fulfilling a request may feel like a compulsion for people-pleasers as if they have no choice. This might be rooted in a desire for love and acceptance. Other people want to avoid conflict at all costs. Some have just never learned to value and take care of themselves.
While pleasing others may seem easier, according to Myers, “the urge to please others can be damaging to ourselves and, potentially, to our relationships when we allow other people’s wants to have more importance than our own needs.” People-pleasing keeps the focus on what is important to others, causing us to lose sight of what is important to us. Even when we think about our priorities, our schedule may be too full to include them. Our resources are limited (time, energy, money, etc.). Saying "yes" to something means saying "no" to something else.
I realize there are seasons when this will be more possible than other times. If my baby is hungry, I can not ignore her to watch a show. However, I can recognize what I want and plan to do something for myself later.
How to Break Out of the People-Pleasing Cycle
Here are some things to help people-pleasers realign their lives to reflect their values and priorities.
- Know Thyself - Listen to your preferences and desires. It can be as small as thinking about what show you want to watch rather than just going with the flow. As you develop the habit of checking in with yourself, lean into what your gut is saying. At first, you don’t have to act on it, but over time, you will learn to trust that your desires matter.
- Communicate - When you recognize what you want in a situation, communicate it in a kind and clear manner. Ask for what you need, express your preferences, say “no”, or put a boundary in place. Done respectfully, these things allow the relationship to grow and you to show up more authentically.
- Give Yourself Time - When changing people-pleasing tendencies, you may need time to figure out how to respond. It is okay to say, “I’ll need to think about that” or “I’ll have to check my calendar.” Then, take some time to check in with yourself before replying.
- Don’t Explain Yourself Too Much - It is okay to say “no” to a request without giving a reason. You don’t need to justify your decision to others. A simple “Thanks for thinking of me, but I won’t be available this time” is all you need.
- Don’t Apologize - Reserve your apologies for when you are in the wrong. You don’t need to apologize for disappointing others with your boundaries, preferences, or opinions.
- Be Ready for Some Slack - Some people will respect you for this change, while others may push back. Notice the response and see what it tells you about the other person and your relationship.
We have a responsibility to ourselves to live a full, authentic life, which is hard to do when we only focus on the wants and needs of others. It is okay to put your wants and needs at the top of your priority list.
Dr. Jamie
P.S. Are you a people pleaser? If you aren’t sure, take Dr. Susan Newman’s “Do You Have a People-Pleasing Problem?” quiz.