Who do you turn to when life gets difficult? Think about the qualities that make you choose them in your time of need. Perhaps you don’t have that kind of friend. What would you need to see in a friend to be able to trust them in that manner?
The best thing about these friends is often your ability to be yourself without having to hide your failures or disappointment. They accept your experience as valid without judgment, showing kindness in every situation. In other words, they are compassionate.
So, let me ask you, are you that kind of friend to yourself? That’s right, most of us are more kind to others than we are to ourselves. We are patient and accepting of their struggles and failures while we beat ourselves up over ours.
Showing yourself the same level of care that you would show a good friend is called self-compassion. Let’s look at how that can make a difference in your life and find some practical ways to develop self-compassion.
What is Self-Compassion?
Author and associate professor, Kristen Neff, Ph.D. is recognized as one of the world’s most influential research psychologists. She explains that “having compassion for oneself is really no different than having compassion for others.”
Compassion literally means to “suffer with.” When we are compassionate we enter into someone’s suffering for a time. We don’t try to explain away the suffering, blame them for their suffering, or minimize it. We just let it be what it is, knowing that our compassion toward them will make a difference in their experience.
How Do You Treat Yourself?
Oftentimes, when we suffer we are not very kind to ourselves. We may try to push the feelings away, blame ourselves, or think our feelings are silly. Our experience is not one of acceptance and care.
Neff says that “self-compassion entails being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer, fail, or feel inadequate, rather than ignoring our pain or flagellating ourselves with self-criticism.”
It involves treating yourself like a dear friend. How would you react to a friend in your situation? Would you berate them and tell them they were silly? Would you tell them to just get over it because it’s no big deal?
No, a good friend wouldn’t do any of those things, so don’t do it to yourself!
Components of Self-compassion
When we have self-compassion we give ourselves the care we would give to others. It involves…
- noticing your suffering
- accepting your feelings
- being gentle with yourself
- speaking to yourself kindly
- forgiving yourself
- recognizing you don't need to be perfect
- giving yourself the benefit of the doubt
- understanding that suffering is part of the human condition
- allowing yourself to change out of a desire to improve yourself (rather than because you think you are not acceptable the way you are.)
Exercises in Self-Compassion
Neff’s website provides guided self-compassion meditations to lead you as you begin. Here are just a few…
- Tender Self-Compassion Break (5 min)
- Compassionate Friend (18 min)
- Compassionate Body Scan (24 min)
- Loving-Kindness Meditation (20 min)
- General Self-Compassion Break (5 min)
Be aware that when you open yourself up to self-compassion, you will be giving yourself permission to experience your pain. If you feel overwhelmed, Neff says that temporarily pulling back may be the most compassionate thing to do at the moment.
Once you practice this it will get easier. Listening to your needs and responding to them is core to self-compassion, so don’t try to push through resistance all at once. We are trying to incorporate self-compassion in all areas of our lives which takes time.
I’d love to hear about your experience as you begin to explore self-compassion, especially if you do any of the guided meditations.
Dr. Jamie
P.S. If you would like to explore this topic more you may be interested in Neff’s books.
- Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself
- Fierce Self-Compassion: How Women Can Harness Kindness to Speak Up, Claim Their Power and Thrive.